This is one of the reasons why I don't want to fall anymore...
I don't know what to do now... at first we were doing well... in a sense we get along with each other smoothly... but.. I dunno.. there are times that she shuts me down, pushes me away and as if as I cannot be trusted with anything at all... I know I may not do things that much, but I try to be there for her but she doesn't even let me close... I agree time isn't something I have to give for now... but at times I want to know more of her... it seems that I get pushed away... it worries me more and I'm losing my confidence, hope and everything... I'm going nuts thinking of what might be wrong... is there another... or something else... it's all going in and out of my mind and I can't help it... I try to dig things up and all I get is nothing... I try to dig deeper and I still get nothing... I really don't know what to do now.. it's always
"it's nothing"
"I'm fine"
"don't worry"
"I'll be okay"
I trusted those words so much but I still can't hide the ping of worry if she is... I trust her enough when she says that... true I may be annoying at times of asking "are you alright" and "are you sure" 10 times or so.. but I think it's also my right to know... And right now... I feel totally helpless and lost... confused... angered... disappointed.. worried... sad... deluded... drained... exhausted... exasperated... tormented... perplexed.. uneasy and everything synonymous to it... but most of it is really helpless... the thought that I can't do anything to her... can't hug her... can't really say to her that I'm terribly worried... can't even show my emotions to her personally... and now I'm being pushed away... separated by a vast amount of water, and still being pushed to be seperated... I only wish I could swim through those treacherous waters, jump over that wall and tell her it's alright... and now I feel as if I've lost the will power to survive... the last of my sanity slipping away as I get pulled into darkness once again for the fear I might lose someone... someone dear.. I've lost someone once... twice and thrice... I just hope it doesn't happen again... I just hope history ends here and does not repeat itself on me... I've gone through alot already... I've had enough.. I want it to stop... end it here... start another revelation of my life... compose it with this someone I think would be perfect for me... it's all I wish for... I'll try and dedicate my time as I get it... and try to be with her whenever I can... and whenever i get there... make my dream into reality... I just hope all those could be fulfilled... but now it's also starting to slip away... I'm losing my grasp... I'm trying not to give up... but the confluence is against me... it's pushing me back and away... making me give up... I just hope she won't and that would give me enough strength to hang on and face my everyday life... and tell her I love you... truly, dearly...
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